Crazy Hands
'Crazy Hands' was my second stage show that I wrote just after 'Things That Go Bump In The Dark'. Unfortunately it was not produced, and I'm kind of glad too. After reading it now while getting it set up on this page it is severely flawed, most likely due to the fact that it is the first original draft. Just the way 'Bump' went through it's many changes, this little fiasco needed some also. I just never got around to changing things. So, in a way, you can now see an original draft of this unproduced show. Hmmm? What kind of changes would you make?
'Crazy Hands'
Written By Roger B. Domian - 4/20/92
(SCENE I-A)
(LIGHTS UP - EMERGENCY ROOM. VARIOUS PATIENTS. ONE
BAG LADY, ONE LADY SITTING IN WAITING AREA HAS A BANDAGE AROUND HER HEAD, ONE MAN
WITH HIS LEG BANDAGED ON CRUTCHES IS TALKING TO A NURSE AT FRONT DESK. THERE IS A POUNDING
AT THE DOOR OFF STAGE L.- NOBODY SEEMS TO NOTICE. MORE POUNDING)
HERBERT: (OFF-STAGE) "Somebody open the door!"
(MORE POUNDING. THE BAG LADY WANDERS OVER TO IT, STOPS, AND STARES)
HERBERT: (OFF-STAGE) "Open the door"
(THE BAG LADY WAVES)
HERBERT: (O.S.) "Will you open the damn door!l"
BAG LADY: "Give me a dollar."
HERBERT: "What?"
BAG LADY: "Give me a dollar."
HERBERT: "Will you just please open the damn door! ... I'm hurt."
(THE MAN WITH THE CAST MAKES HIS WAY OUT LETTING HERBERT ENTER. HE MAKES HIS WAY TO THE FRONT DESK. HE IS COVERED IN BLOOD. HIS HANDS ARE COVERED WITH A BLOOD SOAKED TOWEL)
BAG LADY: (FOLLOWING HIM) "Where's my dollar?"
HERBERT: (TO NURSE WHO HAS HER FACE IN A BOOK) "Excuse me."
BAG LADY: "Where's my dollar?"
HERBERT: "Leave me alone ... Hello Nurse?.."
NURSE #1: "Please sir, you must wait your turn."
BAG LADY: "Where is my dollar??"
HERBERT: "Will you.... It's over there now leave me alone. Please nurse, I need some help.."
NURSE #1: (EXITING) "I'll bet you do."
(FRUSTRATED HERBERT LOOKS AROUND THEN SITS IN THE WAITING AREA)
HERBERT: "I don't believe this."
(THE BAG LADY WANDERS. THE LADY IN THE WAITING AREA, IDA, MOVES TO THE SEAT NEXT TO HERBERT. HE MOANS IN PAIN. IDA STARES. HERBERT SLOWLY LOOKS TO HER THEN AWAY. SHE STARES. HERBERT LOOKS AGAIN)
HERBERT: "What?"
IDA: "Does it hurt?"
HERBERT: "What?"
IDA: "I said ........ Does it hurt?"
HERBERT: "Well what do you think?"
IDA: "I think it hurts .... (PAUSE) .... Go ahead .... You can confide in me.....They got to you didn't they?"
HERBERT: "What?"
IDA: "You were getting too close to them weren't you? So they had to do that to you..Right?"
HERBERT: "What in the Hell are you talking about?"
IDA: "I'm talking about what happened to your hands."
HERBERT: "This .... This is what happens when you try to help somebody."
IDA: "Ohhh.... I know what you mean .... What happened?"
HERBERT: "I'm walking down the street see, and there's this old woman standing there waiting for the bus. I glanced up and of all things to see... There was a safe falling from the sky right at her....."
IDA: "A flying safe?!"
HERBERT: "No...No not a flying safe. Somebody probably pushed it out of a window. Anyway, it was heading right for this lady. I ran up to her and pushed her out of the way and ......"
IDA: "And wham! Right down on your hands..Crash! Splat! Crunch!! Boy... That must have hurt.."
HERBERT (UP AND MOVING TO DESK) "Ohhh ... Nurse? ... Nurse!"
IDA: (UP TO HERBERT) "See ... See I knew they did it. See, when you find out too much they punish you."
BAG LADY: (MOVING TO IDA) "The Alien's?"
IDA: "That's right."
HERBERT: "Oh my God .... Nurse!!"
IDA: "They did it to him...They dropped it from the sky ... From their spaceship... They're watching us ... All of us.!"
HERBERT: "Nurse.!"
BAG LADY: "You know... I'd watch him...He promised me a dollar and he didn't give it to me..."
IDA "What?..(WHACKING HERBERT)..Give her the dollar.."
BAG LADY: "Give me my dollar."
HERBERT: "Get away....Nurse.!!Will you get the Hell away from me!"
(IDA AND THE BAG LADY START GOING THROUGH HERBERT'S POCKETS. NURSE #2 ENTERS)
IDA: "Give her the dollar.."
BAG LADY: "I want my dollar.."
NURSE #2: "Oh dear ... Sir..Come this way ... Quickly.."
(SHE LEADS HERBERT THROUGH THE DOORS)
HERBERT: "Oh finally."
IDA: "Let me tell you, you can't trust some people."
BAG LADY: "Hey..."
IDA: "What?"
BAG LADY: -"You got a dollar?"
BLACKOUT
(SCENE 1B)
(LIGHTS UP - AN OPERATING TABLE. FOUR DOCTORS LIT FROM ABOVE ARE WORKING ON AN UNSEEN PATIENT)
DR. SCHULTZ: "Just a bit more and I think I will have it.."
DR. #2: "Pulse irregular doctor."
DR. #3: "Breathing is rapid."
DR. #4: "We're out of anesthetic."
ALL: "WHAT?!"
DR. #4: "They told me that they replaced it."
DR. #2: "He's coming too doctor."
SCHULTZ: "Good Lord ... Hold him down."
DR. #3: "I don't believe this."
DR. #2: "Clamp that down."
DR. #4: "I think he's in shock."
SCHULTZ: "Wipe my brow, somebody."
(ALL THREE DOCTORS WIPE HIS FOREHEAD WITH THEY'RE CLOTHS)
DR. #3: "The patient is waking up doctor."
DR. #4: "He's trying to talk."
PATIENT: "Aaarrgggghhh...Gggaaarrrggglllee ... Nnnoooo essseape...No one will essseape mmeee.Ilyouuu have nnnot heard the lllassst offf mmmeeee!IlAaaarrrrgggggghhhhh ......"
(THE DOCTORS STARE SPEECHLESS AS THE PATIENT DIES. ONLY HIS ARM IS SEEN POINTING STRAIGHT UPWARDS)
SCHULTZ: "Nurse?"
DR. #3: "Yes doctor?"
SCHULTZ: "Who ... Who was he?"
DR. #3: (LOOKING AT CLIPBOARD) "Dewhurst .... Clancy Dewhurst."
SCHULTZ: "Dewhurst, now why does that name sound familiar?"
DR. #3: "Clancy Dewhurst. Alias, the South Side Strangler."
(ALL THE DOCTORS TAKE A STEP AWAY FROM THE OPERATING TABLE)
SCHULTZ: "Ach..What's done is done. My friends, I guess it was payback time for Mr. Dewhurst...."
(CLANCY'S ARM FALLS DOWN TO THE TABLE. SCHULTZ PICKS IT BACK UP AND HOLDS IT TO THE OTHERS)
SCHULTZ: "...Surgical scientist's in every country from all over the world are dedicated to a future truth. That human life might one day be extended by defected or worn out, used parts. Look, I'm going to try something radical... I don't know if your going to like it..But I like it.. And I'm going to try it."
BLACKOUT
SCENE 2
(WE HEAR THE SOUND OF AN OBOE PLAYING-LIGHTS COME UP IN HERBERT'S APT.. HE IS SITTING S/R. HE IS PLAYING HORRIBLY AND IS QUITE FRUSTRATED)
CLARISE: (ENTERS S/L AND CROSSES TO HIM) "Oh darling that's wonderful."
HERBERT: "Thank you darling, but who are you kidding. I'll never be able to play the same way again.
CLARISE: (KISSING HIM ON THE CHEEK) "'Now, now dear, it's going to take time. You know Dr. Schultz said that until your hands are completely healed will you only then be back to your normal self. So, no pouty-pouty from you."
HERBERT: "I guess your right. It's amazing though, it's only been two months and I feel as if I've had no operation at all. Except for a slight numbness, my hands feel so strong. Why, I feel as if I could tear apart a tractor.."
CLARISE: "Oh Herbert..I love it when you talk like a wrestler.
(CLARISE MOVES TO THE CLOSET FOR HER COAT)
HERBERT: "Are you going out dear?"
CLARISE: "Now silly, don't tell me that you've forgot that my parents are coming tonight for dinner."
HERBERT: "No... I didn't forget. I guess I'm just a little nervous about...."
CLARISE: "About meeting them for the first time?"
HERBERT: "Yes that, and the fact that I'll soon be a part of your family."
CLARISE: "Now everything's going to be fine. There's nothing for my little Herbie to worry about."
HERBERT: "I'm not worrying... ... I guess I'm just a little ashamed about..well you know."
CLARISE: "Now Herbert J. Waters. How many times do I have to tell you that the size of a man doesn't matter as long as you make me happy. Besides, what does that have to do with my parents."
HERBERT: "For God's sake Clarise, I was talking about my hands."
CLARISE "Oh...Well...There's nothing to be ashamed about that either silly. They understand perfectly.. (ASIDE)..As long as you wont be a cripple for life ... Now look Herbert, it's perfectly normal for you to feel this way. You've got a case of wedding jitters because we'll be married in just three weeks. All the arrangements have been made. There's nothing else to do. (SHE PUTS HER ARMS AROUND HIM) We're going to be extremely happy together."
HERBERT: "Oh darling..I love you."
CLARISE: "And I you." (THEY KISS)
HERBERT: "Tell me something darling."
CLARISE: "Yes?"
HERBERT: "Does it bother you at all that I'm holding you with someone else's hands?"
CLARISE: "Why no silly. (SHE HUGS HIM - PAUSES-REACTS-BACKS AWAY) I have to go now."
HERBERT: "Very well, but hurry back..(SHE EXITS)..my love."
(HERBERT STANDS ALONE - HE RAISES HIS HANDS, LOOKS AT THEM,,WIGGLING THE FINGERS. HE STARES AT THEM - THE PHONE RINGS)
HERBERT: "Hello? ... Oh hello Dr. Schultz, how are you
today?..Oh I'm fine thank you...Clarise? No she just stepped out for a while. Is there
something I can help with?..Oh yes, they're fine. (HOLDS UP HIS HAND) Well yes, just a
little bit of numbness, and some tingling but not all the time though... That's right, not
all the time ... Oh yes, I'm sure it will...Nothing to worry about? That's fine ... What's
that? ... Tonight? Well I'm afraid not doctor you see, Clarise's parent's are coming by
tonight for Dinner. A first time meeting them for myself. To get acquainted that's right.
..What? ... No doctor there are no problems at all ... What? ... Be careful? .... Why
should I be careful? ....
(UNAWARE OF HIS ACTIONS, HERBERT'S LEFT HAND DISCONNECTS THE CALL)
Hello .... Doctor? ... Dr. Schultz? .... Hmm, must have been cut off."
(HERBERT HANGS UP THE PHONE - GOES TO THE COUCH AND PICKS UP THE T.V. GUIDE - HE READS IT)
HERBERT: "Oh great, just in time."
(HERBERT PICKS UP THE REMOTE AND SWITCHES THE SET
ON. HE SELECTS A CHANNEL WHICH HAS A CLASSICAL CONCERT IN PROGRESS. HE RELAXES
LAYING THE REMOTE TO HIS SIDE. AFTER A MOMENT HIS LEFT HAND - AS IF BY ITSELF, UNAWARE TO
HERBERT, PICKS UP THE REMOTE AND SWITCHES THE CHANNELS TO A BOXING MATCH, AND REPLACES THE
REMOTE. HERBERT REACTS, PICKS UP THE REMOTE AGAIN AND SWITCHES IT BACK. THE SAME THING
REPEATS AGAIN. HERBERT REACTS, DAMN CABLE! THE DOORBELL RINGS. HERBERT SWITCHES OFF THE
T.V. AND ANSWERS THE DOOR)
TED: "Hey good buddy....(ENTER TED BALLERMEN, LONG TIME FRIEND OF HERBERT'S. THE KIND OF FRIEND NOBODY REALLY WANTS TO BE WITH. SLY, UNTRUSTING, A CHEAT) How are you doing? (SHAKES HERBERT'S HAND) Boy, you got that grip back fast. When did you get home?"
HERBERT: "I've been home for over a month now..."
TED: "Oh ... Really...Why didn't you call?"
HERBERT: "Well... I guess I've been a little preoccupied. You know, the accident. The wedding.."
TED: "Hey..I know what you mean ... Boy, getting your hands chopped right off is no Sunday school picnic let me tell you..Well Herbert my boy you've got to look at the bright side of things I always say. You're getting yourself one mighty fine lady there, and when you got a fine young lady to do your deed, you don't need any hands anymore, If you know what I mean."
HERBERT: (MOVING AWAY FROM TED) "Right..."
TED: (FOLLOWS, PUTTING HIS ARM AROUND HERBERT'S SHOULDER) "Sooo ...... Who's your best man buddy boy?"
HERBERT: "Umm .... No one is Ted. Clarise and I are going to have a nice quiet wedding together. Just the two of us down at City Hall."
TED: "Ahh...The old "Sign your name on the dotted line, put the noose around your neck" type of deal, huh?"
HERBERT: "Yes... Well that's the way we want it."
TED: "I know where your coming from buddy. Keep it quiet. Keep it hush-hush. The publicity about your accident was bad enough. If you go and have a big wedding, all sort's of relatives, strangers, man. That sort of affair brings in all kinds of creeps. Let me tell you, you'd never find me at one. (PICKS UP THE OBOE) Hey..You still playing this old thing? I bet you didn't think you could after the big splat eh?" (HE STARTS TO PLAY IT)
HERBERT: (TAKING IT AWAY) "Ya..Ya..Still playing it. Look Ted, did you want something?"
TED: "What?..Can't I visit my bestest buddy and see what's been going on with him? I mean I didn't even know if you were alive. You never called."
HERBERT: "Now wait a minute, that's not true. I tried to call but your never home."
TED: "Answering machine buddy..Answering machine. You know, Leave a message after the beep."
HERBERT: "Oh..I don't like talking to those things."
TED: "That's alright... That's alright my friend. It's no skin off my knuckles. Look, you've got problems. (HERBERT THROWS TED A LOOK) What I mean is, you've been going through a lot of pressures lately and what I've got here is two free passes to the track for tonight and I'm being nice enough to take you with me. So come on lets go."
HERBERT: "No sorry Ted, I can't."
TED: "What?"
HERBERT: "Claire's parents are coming over tonight for dinner."
TED: "So..Have dinner tomorrow."
HERBERT: "I can't cancel now. It's the first time I'm meeting them. Besides It's been planned for a week."
TED: "I see."
HERBERT: "Look, I appreciate the invitation but if it was any other night."
TED: "That's alright. No problem. Look, this is what I'll do for you buddy. Seventh race..Here, pick the winner."
HERBERT: "What?"
TED: "Pick a winner..Go ahead.Your a lucky person right? Go on."
HERBERT: "Oh, all right..Lets see here."(POINTS TO ONE)
TED: (LAUGHS) "Whew".
HERBERT: "What?"
TED: "Just desserts?"
HERBERT: "Good horse?"
TED: "Long shot pal. But don't worry, I'll play it for you anyway. (TED HOLDS OUT HIS HAND)
HERBERT: "What?"
TED: "Money."
HERBERT: "Money?"
TED: "The money to place the bet with.You don't think I'm going to throw my money away do you?"
HERBERT: (PAYING HIM) "Here."
TED: "Five bucks..Five bucks. Come on pal, take a chance.
(HERBERT GIVES TED MORE)
That's more like it. (ASIDE) Boy what a sucker. I tell you good buddy, your going to miss
out on some good times here. Betting, beer, women, the sweet sweet smell of horse
sweat."
HERBERT: "Thanks anyway Ted but like I said...."
TED: "Yah, yah,..It's senior citizens night.(AS TED OPENS DOOR TO LEAVE HE SEES CLARISE STRUGGLING WITH SOME BAGS) Oh, Claire. Hello..Allow me.."
(INSTEAD OF TAKING A BAG, HE OPENS THE DOOR WIDE AND STEPS OUT OF HER WAY)
CLARISE: "Thank you Ted."
TED: 'Think nothing of it. Catch you later good buddy."(EXITS)
(HERBERT HELPS CLARISE TO THE KITCHEN WITH THE BAGS)
CLARISE: "Oh thank you honey. What did Teddy want?"
HERBERT: "You know, the usual. I wish whenever he comes over here to borrow some money that held come right out and ask for it rather than to come up with some sort of hair-brained idea."
CLARISE: "His car again?"
HERBERT: "No.... This time he invited me to the races."
CLARISE: "Well that's a new one."
HERBERT: "Yes. He's a pretty clever fellow. He knows how much I hate sports. Maybe if your parent's weren't coming tonight I would have gone with him and catch him empty handed."
CLARISE: "Yes but if you did go with him you would have ended up giving him some money anyway."
HERBERT: "Yes, your probably right."
CLARISE: "I always am."
HERBERT: "Well listen to you."
CLARISE: "Yes, you should listen to me poopy. You've got to start telling Ted that you just can't keep giving him money. You've got to start being a little meaner. Show more backbone. Just say no. (SHE KISSES HIM) Oh, look at the time.."
HERBERT: "What?"
CLARISE: "I've got to straighten up around here."
HERBERT: "But the place looks fine."
CLARISE: "I'm talking about my things silly."
HERBERT: "That's right, they still don't know that were living together do they?"
CLARISE: "Well you know how strict father is.."
HERBERT: "So I've heard. But it's the 90's Claire, everybody lives together."
CLARISE: "Still, I want everything to run smoothly tonight. Only after we're married is when I'll fill them in on our past living arrangements.. If I ever do."
HERBERT: "Well that sounds fine to me. Do you need any help?"
CLARISE: "If you please."
(THE PHONE RINGS)
HERBERT: "Fine, I'll get the phone. Hello? Yes..Well hello..How are you?...Oh fine, fine ...Clarise? Yes, hold on.. Your mother."
CLARISE: "Oh, I hope nothing's wrong. Hello? Hi mother..Yes I'm fine....Yes.....What?... .....Alright.Alright..Alright Mom, I'll see you soon." (SHE HANGS UP)
HERBERT: "What's up?"
CLARISE: "They just got in."
HERBERT: "What?"
CLARISE: "They wanted to surprise us by arriving early. They're dropping off their luggage at the Hotel then coming right over."
HERBERT: "Alright, alright. Just calm down. Why don't you start dinner and I'll clean up."
(THEY FRANTICALLY GO ABOUT THEIR BUSINESS)
CLARISE: "Oh Herbert, I wanted everything to run perfect tonight."
HERBERT: "Now don't you worry yourself. You just go about the dinner. We have plenty of time. Everything's going to go fine tonight. Trust me."
BLACKOUT
SCENE III
(LIGHTS UP - HERBERT, CLARISE, BERNICE, AND WALTER ZETTLEMEYER ARE SEATED AROUND THE DINNER TABLE EATING. NOT A WORD IS SPOKEN. VARIOUS GLANCES ARE GIVEN. MOSTLY SMILES EXCEPT FOR WALTER WHO GIVES HERBERT VERY SERIOUS LOOKS. THE FOOD IS SPAGHETTI. HERBERT REACHES FOR HIS NAPKIN, WIPES HIS MOUTH, THEN UNKNOWINGLY FLAPS IT IN THE AIR. WALTER, BERNICE, AND CLARISE REACT. HERBERT GLANCES UP AT THEM AND SMILES. EATING CONTINUES. HERBERT SPINS HIS FORK IN THE FOOD CREATING A HUGE HELPING THEN BRINGING IT TO HIS MOUTH. CLARISE NOTICES THIS, CLEARS HER THROAT TO HERBERT. HE NOTICES WHAT HE IS ABOUT TO DO AND DROPS HIS FORK WITH A CLANK. WALTER AND BERNICE LOOK TO HIM. HERBERT SMILES, TAKES HIS NAPKIN, WIPES HIS MOUTH, AND REPEATS THE FLAPPING MOVE. WALTER CLEARS HIS THROAT)
WALTER: "So Clarise tells us that your a musician in a band."
HERBERT: "Yes, Classical orchestra."
WALTER: "Classical? .... Are you any good?"
CLARISE: "Herbert plays divinely father."
WALTER: "Ohh...What instrument do you play?"
HERBERT: "The oboe."
WALTER: "The hobo? What the hell is the hobo?"
CLARISE: "The oboe daddy, it's a wind instrument."
HERBERT: "Yes, you blow it..."
WALTER: "What?"
HERBERT: (NERVOUS)"You...Sort of...blow through... it."
CLARISE: "Would you like some more spaghetti father?"
WALTER: "I had so much spaghetti today I could puke."
BERNICE: "Hush dear. We had spaghetti on the plane."
CLARISE: "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know."
BERNICE: "That's all right dear. Can I help you with this?"
CLARISE: "No mother, I can handle it." (CLARISE TAKES THE DISHES)
HERBERT: "Would you like some more wine Mrs. Zettlemeyer?"
BERNICE: "Just a bit more for me, thank you."
(HERBERT FILLS HER GLASS FULL)
HERBERT: "Mr. Zettlemeyer?"
WALTER: "What do you think?"
(BERNICE NODS YES TO HERBERT. HE STARTS TO POUR)
WALTER: "I'll do it."
(REACHING FOR THE BOTTLE)
HERBERT: "Oh no, allow me..."
WALTER: (GRABBING BOTTLE) "I said I'll do it!"
CLARISE: "Herbie dear, will you bring me the rest of the plates?"
HERBERT: "Sure honey."
(AS HERBERT GRABS THE PLATES, HE AWKWARDLY KNOCKS OVER WALTER'S WINE GLASS. WALTER GLARES AT HIM. HERBERT GOES TO KITCHEN)
HERBERT: "Sorry Mr. Zettlemeyer.."
(WALTER AND BERNICE TALK QUIETLY AS THEY SOAK UP THE SPILLED WINE. WALTER POURS ANOTHER GLASS)
BERNICE: "Oh now you just leave the rest till later you two. I would like to propose a toast."
(THEY ALL TAKE THEIR GLASSES)
BERNICE: "I'd like to propose a toast to my daughter and my future son-and-law. Two of the luckiest people I know. They're both young. They both have fine future's together...Why, this is the happiest that I have ever seen Clarise and I can't wait until the wedding because I know that it will be the happiest day of her life. So, from father and I we'd like to wish you all the best in the world. May all your dreams come true. Welcome to the family."
(THEY 'CLINK' THEIR GLASSES. HERBERT HITS WALTER'S AND THEY SHATTER. ALL HANDS ARE WET WITH WINE)
HERBERT: "I'm sorry... I'm sorry...I didn't mean .."
CLARISE: "Oh mother, father..Your sleeves."
(HERBERT GRABS A NAPKIN FROM THE TABLE AND HANDS IT TO WALTER. HE STARTS TO WIPE HIMSELF BUT THEN REALIZES THAT IT IS THE SOAKED NAPKIN WHICH HE CLEANED THE TABLE WITH. HE THROWS IT BACK TO HERBERT)
CLARISE: "Oh I'm so sorry."
BERNICE: "That's alright dear, mistakes do happen."
HERBERT: "That's right, mistakes happen."
WALTER: "Not to me."
CLARISE: "Come on to the kitchen mother and lets try to clean you up. Herbert, why don't you take father to the bathroom and help him."
HERBERT: "Right. This way Mr.Zettlemeyer. I'm very sorry."
WALTER: (AT THE BATHROOM DOOR) "It's in there?"
HERBERT: "Yes, this way.."
WALTER: "No...(STOPPING HERBERT)..You stay here. I'll do it."
(WALTER EXITS SLAMMING THE DOOR IN HERBERT'S FACE. HERBERT MOVES TO KITCHEN)
HERBERT: "How's it coming?"
CLARISE: "Fine...It's coming out."
HERBERT: "Well at least something's working."
(HERBERT STARTS TO STRAIGHTEN THE TABLE. CLAIRE AND BERNICE COME TO THE TABLE AND SIT)
HERBERT: "Mrs. Zettlemeyer please forgive me. I don't know what happened."
BERNICE: "Oh, don't you worry about it son. It's perfectly normal."
CLARISE: "Normal?"
BERNICE: "Sure, pre-wedding jitters, meeting father and I for the first time. You might not believe this but Walter was the same way when he met my parents for the first time."
HERBERT: "That is pretty hard to believe."
BERNICE: "Well I guess it could be a little bit out fault too."
CLARISE: "Your fault, how?"
BERNICE: "For coming over earlier than expected. See, that was fathers idea. He feels that your true self is displayed when you are caught off guard."
HERBERT: "Well I'm sorry, but it seems that my first impressions weren't very impressive."
BERNICE: "Nonsense.Your a sweet man, I can tell. The happiness that my daughter feels is shared by me."
HERBERT: "Thank you. Now I'll have to patch things up with your father."
BERNICE: "Oh don't you worry about father. Once you two get to know one another you'll probably have a lot in common."
(WALTER ENTERS GLARING AT HERBERT)
HERBERT: "Did everything come out alright Mr. Zettlemeyer?"
WALTER: "What?"
HERBERT: "The stain! I mean the stain. Did it come out."
WALTER: "Yes."
CLARISE: "Why don't we all relax with a nice game of cards? Bridge alright?"
BERNICE: "That's fine dear. Father, why don't you relax here by me?"
CLARISE: "Honey, where are the cards?"
HERBERT: "Oh, there in the bedroom. I'll get them" (HE EXITS TO THE BEDROOM)
CLARISE: "Excuse me." (SHE EXITS TO THE-BEDROOM)
BERNICE: "Well. What do you think?"
WALTER: "Bernice, I don't know what to think anymore. It makes my head hurt."
BERNICE: "Oh come on now. It's just wedding jitters is all. You were the same way, remember?"
WALTER: "That's not what I'm talking about."
BERNICE: "Well what's the matter?"
WALTER: "I had to blow my nose Bernice."
BERNICE: "Had to blow your nose?"
WALTER: "I had to blow my nose so I reached into a drawer in there and pulled out what I thought was a handkerchief and I blew my nose."
BERNICE: "So what was it?"
WALTER: "I don't know Bernice, what does it look like to you?"
(WALTER PULLS OUT AND HOLDS UP A PAIR OF PINK PANTIES - HERBERT AND CLARISE ENTER)
CLARISE: "Here they are, we've got them. Let's all sit at the couch"
(THEY MOVE TO THE COUCH. WALTER STUFFS THE PANTIES IN THE CUSHIONS)
HERBERT: "I'll deal."
(HERBERT DEALS - THEY ALL LOOK AT THERE HANDS)
BERNICE: "Oh wait a moment, I've got a Joker."
HERBERT: "I'm sorry, I guess I forgot to take them out."
(HERBERT COLLECTS THE CARDS BRISKLY, GOES THROUGH THEM AND TAKES OUT THE JOKERS-THEN RE-DEALS)
HERBERT: "There we go."
CLARISE: "Silly."
(THEY LOOK AT THEIR HANDS)
HERBERT: "Everyone set?"
CLARISE: "Wait a minute honey, now I've got the instructions."
(WALTER GRUMBLES AS HE THROWS HIS CARDS ON THE TABLE. HERBERT COLLECTS THEM AND RE-DEALS)
HERBERT: "Sorry... I guess I forgot it."
(WALTER GLARES AT HIM AS HE COLLECTS HIS CARDS)
HERBERT: "Alright now.We are now ready to play. No Joker's or any strange cards, right?"
WALTER: "No. No strange cards. But I've got a Full House. (HE SLAMS THE CARDS DOWN) Your dealing a Poker hand."
HERBERT: "Poker? I don't even know how to play Poker."
WALTER: "Well that's what your dealing me.You don't like me do you."
CLARISE: "Let me deal dear."
HERBERT: "No. That's alright..I'll do it."
WALTER: "Well do it right! Come on now!"
(HERBERT RE-DEALS)
HERBERT: "I've got it. I've got it."
CLARISE: "We're playing Bridge dear."
HERBERT: "I know what we're....Don't you start.."
(THEY LOOK AT THEIR CARDS)
HERBERT: "Alright. What have we got?"
BERNICE: (LAYING CARDS DOWN) "Gin."
WALTER: "I don't believe this. That's it. It's time to go Bernice."
HERBERT: "Wait. I don't know what's wrong Mr. Zettlemeyer. I thought I was dealing correctly."
WALTER: "That's the problem, you thought!"
CLARISE: "Now father, don't be angry. Herbert didn't mean anything wrong."
BERNICE: "That's alright dear, we'll see you later. Father's just a little tired."
HERBERT: "Yes. It's probably jet lag."
WALTER: "I'll jet lag you..."
BERNICE: "Come on dear. We'll see you soon.(KISSES CLARISE) By dear, It was nice meeting you Herbert...Oh, what am I saying.(KISSES HERBERT) We'll see you later son."
HERBERT: "Thank you Mrs. Zettlemeyer."
BERNICE: "Mom."
HERBERT: "Mom...Good-by...dad."
(WALTER GRUMBLES AS HE AND BERNICE EXIT)
CLARISE: "Oh Herbert, I just knew something like this was going to happen tonight. Just what has got into you. Your never like this when you meet people for the first time. Your usually a perfect gentlemen."
HERBERT: "I don't know honey. I tried my best but it seemed that everything I touched went wrong. I can't explain it."
CLARISE: "Oh, I don't know what to think. I guess mother was right about you having pre-wedding jitters. But that's just not like you, and our wedding is three weeks away. Something just doesn't seem right."
HERBERT: "Well come on, at least our initial first meeting is over."
(THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING LINES, HERBERT PLACES HIS HANDS 0N CLARISE'S SHOULDERS - SLOWLY MOVING THEM TO HER BUTTOCKS - ALL UNAWARE TO HERBERT)
HERBERT: "I'm sure everything's going to work out fine between your parent's and I. Besides, your mother seems crazy about me. That's half the battle won."
CLARISE: "I'm just concerned about father. He's got quite a temper, and he's as stubborn as an ox."
HERBERT: "Well look, what's done is done for tonight. Lets just straighten up and get some sleep."
(HERBERT'S HANDS SQUEEZE CLARISE'S BEHIND)
CLARISE: "No honey, not now."
HERBERT: (IN THE DARK) "What?"
CLARISE: (STRUGGLING AWAY) "I said no Herbert, I'm not in the mood for this now."
(HERBERT IS FRANTICLY SQUEEZING HER BEHIND NOW)
HERBERT: "Not in the mood for what? What are you talking.... ?"
CLARISE: "Stop it Herbert... I mean it now.."
HERBERT: "Stop what....?"
(CLARISE SLAPS HERBERT HE RELEASES HIS GRIP. HE IS SHOCKED. HE SLAPS HER. SHE SLAPS HIM AGAIN. UNCONTROLLABLY HE SLAPS HER AGAIN. HE IS SHOCKED HE IS DOING THIS. SHE SLAPS HIM ONE LAST TIME AND EXITS TO THE BEDROOM CRYING. SHE LOCKS THE DOOR)
HERBERT: "Honey wait... What? I don't know what's going on. I didn't mean to hit you. I mean I didn't hit you. I mean...Oh Clarise I'm sorry..."
(THE DOOR OPENS. CLARISE THROWS OUT A BLANKET AND PILLOW. THEN SLAMS THE DOOR AGAIN)
HERBERT: "Honey? .... I don't know what's going on.What
could be happening to me?
(HE GOES TO COUCH. THROWS THE PILLOW AND BLANKET) Maybe she's upset about what happened
tonight.What am I saying, she is upset about what happened tonight.....(HE LAYS ON COUCH
AND COVERS UP) She probably just needs to sleep it off.... I hope...Just go to
sleep...Everything will be fine in the morning. Yes, everything will be fine in the
morning. Good night Clarise... (NO ANSWER) Good night Herbert. Goodnight."
(HERBERT PULLS THE BLANKET TO HIS NECK. HE RELAXES. UNAWARE OF HIS ACTIONS, HE PULLS THE BLANKET TO HIS WAIST. HE REACTS. HE RETURNS THE BLANKET TO HIS NECK. THE ACTION REPEATS ITSELF)
HERBERT: "What the heck's going on?"
(THE HAND PULLS IT DOWN AGAIN, HERBERT PULLS IT UP AGAIN. THE HAND PAUSES AS IF THINKING. IT REACHES OVER TO THE TABLE, GRABS A PLATE, AND SMASHES IT OVER HERBERT'S HEAD. THE HAND THEN PULLS THE BLANKET DOWN A FINAL TIME AND RELAXES)
BLACKOUT
SCENE 4
(LIGHTS UP MORNING. HERBERT IS SLEEPING ON THE COUCH. CLARISE ENTERS FROM BEDROOM WITH A SUITCASE. HERBERT AWAKENS AS SHE SETS THE CASE AT THE FRONT DOOR. SHE THEN RE-ENTERS THE BEDROOM. HERBERT RISES AND SLOWLY MAKES HIS WAY TO THE BATHROOM. CLARISE RE-ENTERS WITH AN OVERNIGHT BAG AND ENTERS THE BATHROOM JUST BEFORE HERBERT CAN. THE DOOR SLAMS. THIS WAKES HERBERT FULLY. HE TRIES THE DOOR BUT IT IS LOCKED)
HERBERT: "Clarise open the door, I've got to go...."
(NO ANSWER.,HERBERT KNOCKS. NO ANSWER. JUST THE
SOUND OF THINGS BEING RATTLED. GIVING UP HERBERT GOES BACK TO SIT. MORE RATTLING .
HERBERT RISES AND GOES TO THE REFRIGERATOR. UNKNOWINGLY HE GRABS A BEER, OPENS IT, AND
DRINKS. CLARISE ENTERS AND WATCHES AS HE SPITS IT OUT.)
CLARISE: "A beer .... At this time?"
HERBERT: "I thought it was a V8. Look honey, we've got to talk..."
CLARISE: "Don't you honey me..Ilve@lgat nothing to say to you. You just went a little too far with things last night. I've had enough. I'm moving out .... And I don't think I'm coming back."
HERBERT: "But Clarise, You've got: to listen to me. I'm trying to explain this to you."
CLARISE: "There's nothing to explain."
HERBERT: "But there's .... Look. I don't know what's going on either. It's like I know what I want to do, but when I do it, it's not what I meant to do when I do it...."
CLARISE: "Would you listen to yourself your not even making any sense."
HERBERT: "But,I am trying to make sense. It's like as if my hands have a mind of their own .... Wait a minute...That's it...(HE GOES TO CLARISE AND HOLDS HIS HANDS UP)..It's my hands! They have a mind of their own..They're doing things that I'm not making them do..Don't you see... (HE IS LOSING IT)...These are not my hands ..They're somebody else's hands..Remember, my hands are mince meat...These are the hands of a perfect stranger..But not a perfect stranger because they're always doing the wrong things. Yes...That can be the only explanation to this situation...There's something wrong with these hands..You've got to believe me..."
CLARISE: "Herbert.....You need a doctor.Good-by."(EXITS)
HERBERT: "Doctor? ... Clarise wait .....! A doctor?..A doctor.! That's it!! I've got to call the doctor..!(HE RUNS TO THE PHONE AND DIALS) Busy, damn! (HE STILL HAS TO GO) Bathroom..Yes...(HE RUSHES TO THE BATHROOM. RELIEF IS HEARD. THE PHONE RINGS) Damn....(RING)...Wait.... (RING)...Wait..I can't....(RING) Ohhhhoo..(HE RUSHES TO THE PHONE CLUTCHING HIS CROTCH) Hello!..... Damn it... ! (HE SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND RUNS TO THE BATHROOM)....Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh .......(KNOCK AT THE DOOR)...Ohhhh.... For crying out loud.... Just a minute..." (KNOCK)...Just a minute already... I said I'll be right there...(KNOCK)...Aaaarrrrgggggghhhhhh ......(THE TOILET FLUSHES. HERBERT RUSHES TO THE DOOR AND FLINGS IT OPEN)...WHAT??!?"
TED: "Hey, what's the deal ol buddy? Did I wake you or what?"
HERBERT: "Ted you son of ......... TED! Ted get in here..(HERBERT GRABS TED AND PULLS HIM IN) Ted, you've got to listen to me.."
TED: "Whoa ... Whoa buddy..Take it easy..Where's the fire?"
HERBERT: "Right ... Right..I've got to take it easy..Take it slow.."
TED: "What's the deal? What's the problem? Did Clarise leave you or something?"
HERBERT: "Oh Ted, that's only the half of it..."
TED "Really? Boy, can I pick them or what."
HERBERT "Look, last night was a disaster at the dinner party. Everything I did went wrong..."
TED "So ... Sometimes I do things that don't turn out the way I plan them. I remember this time I had this waitress...The least she could have done was told me she was married.."
HERBERT "Will you shut up and listen to me..Look, when I was in the hospital my situation was a lost cause. The doctor's said I didn't have a chance. Then, as if it were some kind of miracle..This foreign doctor, Dr. Schultz, had amazingly found a set of replacement hands for me... Coincidence??..."
TED "Wait a minute ... You said this doctor just found these hands? What, did somebody just drop them in the night deposit box or what?"
HERBERT "No, no. He got them from donor who just died."
TED "Let me get this straight ... Somebody donated just their hands to science? A hand donor?"
HERBERT "Look..I don't know where these hands came from..The point is, these are not my hands...These are the hands of a stranger...."
TED "Well, who's hands are they?"
HERBERT "How the Hell am I suppose to know...But you see, I've got to find out. You see, I've got no control over these things. It's like they've got a mind of their own. I reach for one thing and they pick up something else..."
TED "Ok Herbert my pal...Let's see. Hold up your right hand."
HERBERT "Look we don't have time.."
TED "Hey, I'm trying to help you here. I want to see what this is all about. Now raise your right hand." (HERBERT DOES)
TED "Ok ... Good..."
HERBERT "Now what? Recite the Pledge of allegiance... ?"
TED "Fine. You don't want my help...."
HERBERT "Look...I'm sorry. I'm just all mixed up."
TED "Ok now .... Raise your left hand."
(HERBERT DOES - NO PROBLEM)
HERBERT "Nothing ......"
TED "No, .... Nothing..."
HERBERT "Look Ted, you've got to believe me."
TED "Alright then. Let's try something harder. Follow my hands and do what I do, alright?"
HERBERT: "Alright."
(TED RAISES HIS RIGHT HAND, THEN HIS LEFT. HERBERT COPIES HIS MOVES. TED MOVES HIS RIGHT HAND TO THE TOP OF HIS HEAD AND HIS LEFT TO HIS BELLY. HERBERT COPIES. TED STARTS TO PAT HIS HEAD AND RUB HIS BELLY. HERBERT TRIES BUT HAS DIFFICULTY)
TED "Ahhh .... There's something."
HERBERT "Ted...This doesn't mean a thing... I could never do that."
TED "Alright..Alright..Just keen going."
(TED HOLDS BOTH HANDS OUT AS IF ON A MIRROR. HERBERT DOES THE SAME. TED STARTS TO CIRCLE WITH BOTH HANDS AS IF WASHING A MIRROR)
TED "Alright."
(TED BRINGS HIS HANDS TOGETHER. HE CLAPS. HERBERT CLAPS. TED CLAPS AGAIN. HERBERT REPEATS. TED SLOWLY WORKS HIS HANDS WITH HERBERT INTO A PATTY CAKE GAME. HERBERT HAS NO PROBLEM. TED SMILES)
HERBERT "Hey....I'm doing it.....I'm doing it.."
TED "Yeah...This is fun."
(HERBERT'S RIGHT HAND SOCKS TED WHO FALLS TO THE GROUND)
TED "You did that?
HERBERT "No...Them. Sorry."
TED "Well my friend I think you have a pretty good malpractice case on your hands."
(TED STANDS BACK UP)
HERBERT "Oh great, more headaches. You know I'm just afraid that if this gets any worse...I mean, who knows what can happen. Look what I just did to you.(ON THE LAST WORDS OF THIS LAST SENTENCE, HERBERT'S VOICE CHANGES TO A DEEP RASPY SOUND).... I'm afraid that whatever this thing is just might start taking over my whole body."
TED "Um...A bit gassy there buddy aren't you?"
HERBERT "Oh...Sorry...So Ted, what do you think I should do?"
TED "Well, as I said before, sue his ass. Look Herbert, you can get a truckload of big bucks from this malpracticing S.O.B. Now, speaking of big big bucks is just why I stopped by. I've got some great news about that race you, almost backed out of last night."
HERBERT "Really?...Did I win?"
TED "Well....no. You didn't win a cent. But me, I'm in the money pal. A lot of money."
HERBERT "Oh, well. I'm happy for you Ted"
TED (TAKES OUT A WAD OF MONEY)"Well....I guess some people have it and some people don't. I thank you number four, 'Just Desserts'." (TED KISSES THE MONEY)
HERBERT "What?....(DEEP VOICE) What was that?"
TED "Number four...Lucky four."
HERBERT "You said 'Just Desserts'..Wasn't 'Just Desserts' the horse that I picked out?"
TED "Umm, no...No Herbie...Umm, you picked 'Molasses'."
HERBERT (GRADUALLY CHANGING VOICE) "No Ted... I picked number four, 'Just Desserts'...Remember, you even said that it was a long-shot."
TED "Hey pal look, take it easy. I don't remember what you picked, but I do know that it was me who picked out 'Just Desserts'."
HERBERT (EVIL VOICE) "Is that so....I'll give you your 'Just Desserts'. I want my money.!!"
TED "Hey, what's got into you? Take it easy...."
(HERBERT, HIS HANDS IN A STRANGLING FORM, FOLLOWS TED AROUND THE ROOM)
HERBERT (DEEP VOICE) "Your nothing but a lying, stinking, cheat, you low-down dirty double crosser!"
TED "Hey... There's no reason to get personal....Herbert, it's me...Your friend Ted...."
HERBERT (DEEP VOICE) "Your no friend of mine.."
TED "Herbert, what's with the voice?..."
(HERBERT GRABS TED AROUND THE NECK AND STARTS STRANGLING HIM. THE PHONE RINGS)
TED (CHOKING) "Alright...Alright already... Look, it was a joke,...A joke..(TRIES TO LAUGH) ... Look. You did win the money, alright?.....Herbert, you want to answer the phone...Look I didn't tell you about the money because you were upset about .....about.."
HERBERT (DEEP VOICE') "About what 'good buddy'? There's nothing wrong with me."
(THE ANSWERING MACHINE SWITCHES ON. HERBERT CONTINUES STRANGLING TED)
ANSWERING MACH.: "Hi, this is Herbert Waters...I'm sorry I can't talk to you right no,w due to me being a bit busy with an important matter. Leave a message." -BEEP-
MESSAGE 'Hello?...Hello Mr. Waters, this is Dr. Schultz from Holy
Mercy hospital. Look, it is quite important that I see you as soon as it is possible. This
is quite an urgent emergency. You see, it seems as if there was a little mix up with the
nature of your surgery. Again, I must speak to
you in person as soon as possible. Thank-you. Good-by."
(HERBERT, ON THE FLOOR OVER TED, RELEASES HIS GRIP FROM HIM AND RAISES HIS HANDS TO HIS FACE)
HERBERT IN DEEP VOICE) "Oh no doctor....Thank you..." (HERBERT LAUGHS SARDONICALLY)
BLACKOUT
SCENE V
(IN A BLACKOUT THE SOUND OF NEWSCASTER IS HEARD)
NEWS "We interrupt this program for a special bulletin. The body count is five, ladies and gentlemen, five. We repeat, as of 10:45 a.m., the police have discovered the first of five strangled bodies on the far southwest side. Two men, three women. Their necks twisted and crushed. Police say it looks as if it were the work of the notorious Clancy Dewhurst, the Southside Strangler. Police also suspect that there may be a copy-cat murderer on the loose. As you may remember three months ago, Clancy Dewhurst was gunned down by police and pronounced dead at Holy Mercy Hospital. Police are...confused. They say that the copy-cat murderer follows the exact pattern and method of Dewhurst. The police also........ Ladies and gentlemen, 1've just been handed a breaking bulletin stating that the copy-cat strangler has struck again. It seems to be the body of....(ASIDE)..Strangled?.. Ladies and gentlemen......A dog has been found strangled in Winston Park... That's right ladies and gentlemen, strangled. It seems that not even the animals are safe anymore. Please stay tuned to this station for further developments."
(LIGHTS UP - HERBERT ENTERS HIS APT. IN THE FORM
OF CLANCY DEWHURST - HIS CLOTHES ARE IN A SHAMBLES. HIS HAIR ASKEW. HE'S BREATHING VERY
HEAVY AND LOUD. WHEN HE SPEAKS AS CLANCY IT SOUNDS AS IF HE IS DOING A BAD IMPERSONATION
OF KIRK DOUGLAS. HE SLAMS THE DOOR AND RESTS AGAINST IT. HE LOOKS AROUND THE PLACE. HE
SPOTS THE KITCHEN AND MOVES TO IT. OPENS THE CABINET,GRABS SOME HARD LIQUOR AND GLASS.
POURS AND DRINKS THE FULL GLASS DOWN. HE LOOKS TO HIS HANDS AND LAUGHS. STARTS TO FILL THE
GLASS AGAIN. STOPS, AND FLINGS IT ACROSS
THE ROOM. HE DRINKS FROM THE BOTTLE. HE CROSSES THE ROOM. STOPS AT THE BODY OF TED STILL
ON THE FLOOR. HE KICKS HIM AND LAUGHS)
HERBERT (CLANCY) "Want a drink old friend?"
(HE POURS FROM THE BOTTLE ONTO TED'S BODY. HE LAUGHS. THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. HE STOPS. GOES TO THE DOOR AND LISTENS. KNOCKS AGAIN)
CLARISE (OFFSTAGE) 'Herbert? .... Herbert... It's me darling. Please open the door.."
(HERBERT CHANGES BACK)
HERBERT (HIMSELF) "Clarise? .... Clarise?? .... Is that you... ?"
CLARISE (OFF STAGE) "Yes darling... It's me your pookems."
HERBERT (CLANCY) "The bitch!"
CLARISE "Herbert please open the door."
HERBERT (CLANCY) "What..!? (HERBERT)...Just a minute darling..(CLANCY)...Crap!"
(HERBERT FIXES HIS HAIR, CLOTHES, TIE. IS ABOUT TO OPEN THE DOOR AND SEES TED. HE HURRIES TO HIM, PICKS HIM UP, LOOKS AROUND FOR A PLACE TO PUT HIM. EXITS TO THE BEDROOM WITH HIM. HE RE-ENTERS AND OPENS THE FRONT DOOR)
CLARISE (ENTERS HUGGING HERBERT) "Oh Herbert......"
(HERBERT IS FACING US THROUGH THE HUG, CLANCY BREAKS THROUGH LOOKING ANGRY AT CLARISE. HIS HANDS RISE AS IF ABOUT TO STRANGLE HER. SHE BREAKS FREE AND MOVES CENTER)
CLARISE "I'm so sorry...It was all my fault..."
(CLANCY GRUMBLES AT MISSING THE CHANCE)
CLARISE "...I was just so upset about last night that I took it all out on you."
(CLARISE TURNS TO HIM, HERBERT RETURNS)
HERBERT "Oh darling. I'm the one to blame."(HE MOVES TO HER)
CLARISE (TURNING AWAY) "Now poopy, let me finish...."
(HERBERT PLACES HIS HANDS ON HER SHOULDERS AND GENTLY RUBS)
CLARISE "After I left here, I went to see my parents. We talked most of the day and they're the one's that made me understand my frustrations..."
(CLANCY RETURNS AND STARTS TO TIGHTEN HIS GRIP)
CLARISE "....You see...I'm the one...(SHE TURNS TO HIM/CLANCY LEAVES)...who's been acting selfish around here. I've been so worried about the wedding and all that I've completely ignored your pain."
HERBERT (HIMSELF) "Oh Clarise, I'm the one who should be apologizing.."
CLARISE (MOVING AWAY FROM HIM) "Now Herbert, I don't want to hear anything like it. You, my sweet man, have been under an enormous amount of stress lately. So, I've decided to postpone the wedding until you are completely and thoroughly cured."
(SHE KISSES HIM THEN GOES TO THE DOOR TO GET HER BAGS)
HERBERT "Cured?....Why, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm in perfect condition..."
(CLANCY APPEARS AND CRUSHES SOME FLOWERS IN A VASE)
CLARISE "Oh it's alright dear, I understand."
(CLARISE GOES TO ENTER THE BEDROOM)
HERBERT (HIMSELF) "Where, where are you going?"
CLARISE "To return my things silly. Remember I live here too."
HERBERT (RUSHING TO STOP HER) "Wait! Clarise...um..let me put those away...You...um..Why don't you go and make us a drink....O.k.?"
CLARISE "Sure darling. Whatever you say."
(CLARISE GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND PREPARES THE DRINKS. CLANCY ENTERS THE BEDROOM WITH CLARISE'S BAGS. A MOMENT LATER HE ENTERS CARRYING TED AND HEADS TOWARDS THE BATHROOM. A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. CLANCY PANICS DROPPING TED BEHIND THE COUCH. CLARISE STEPS OUT OF THE KITCHEN AREA)
CLARISE "Oh, Herbert.....I thought you were in the bedroom.."
HERBERT (HIMSELF) "No, not yet....I'll get it....the door...You go make the drinks."
CLARISE "Alright."
(SHE GOES BACK TO THE DRINKS. CLANCY'S BACK CURSING CLARISE WITH HIS ARMS. HE PICKS UP TED AND PUTS HIM IN THE BATHROOM ANOTHER KNOCK AT THE DOOR)
CLARISE "Herbert?"
HERBERT (HIMSELF) "Yes?"
CLARISE "I thought you were going to answer the door..."
HERBERT "I am....I was Just catching my breath...."
CLARISE "Oh, alright.(CONTINUES DRINKS) It's probably mother and father. They were waiting downstairs to see if everything was going to be alright."
HERBERT (OUT TO AUDIENCE) "Wonderful."
(HERBERT ANSWERS THE DOOR. MR. & MRS.ZETTLEMEYER ENTER. BERNICE KISSES HERBERT. WALTER SHAKES HIS HAND. AS THEY PASS TO CENTER, CLANCY APPEARS READY TO KILL)
BERNICE "Hello dear, I hope everything's back to normal."
CLARISE "Yes mother, Just like you said."
BERNICE "Good... I'm glad to hear it."
(CLARISE GIVES HERBERT HIS DRINK)
WALTER "Yes... Oh Herbert, I just want to apologize about my behavior last night. It was a bit presumptuous and I hope there are no hard feelings."
HERBERT (HIMSELF) "No, none at all Mr. Zettlemeyer."
WALTER "Fine, fine. In that case, if you'd excuse me, I'd
like to use your bathroom."
HERBERT (WHILE DRINKING, CLANCY APPEARS SPITTING IT OUT)"Bathroom!"
BERNICE "Yes. We wouldn't have come here to bother you like this but Walter insisted that he could not wait until we got home."
WALTER "When you got to go, you got to go."
(LAUGHING, WALTER MAKES HIS WAY TO THE BATHROOM. HERBERT RUSHES AND BLOCKS THE DOOR)
HERBERT "Umm ... Wait! You can't use this one...Umm..It's a mess, and I hadn't cleaned it yet ... Um...Look, why don't you use the bathroom in the bedroom...."
CLARISE "Herbert?"
HERBERT (CLANCY) "Let him use the one in the bedroom!"
WALTER "Well O.k. if you insist...."
HERBERT (CLANCY) "Yes ... I insist."
(WALTER EXITS / CLANCY SITS)
BERNICE "So....Is everything all patched up?"
CLARISE "Yes, Herbert and I talked it over and I think everything's going to be fine."
BERNICE "Good.... I still can't believe that father didn't
make a bigger deal out of your living arrangements. You know, last year he would have
called off the entire wedding because of it."
HERBERT (CLANCY) "Well, why don't you mind your damn business!"
BERNICE "I beg your pardon?"
CLARISE "Herbert?"
HERBERT (HIMSELF) "Umm..I'm sorry. I thought you said something else. " (UP AND AWAY)
CLARISE "Well, mother you know that father believes all that he knows from the past. At least I'm glad that your a little up with the times."
(CLANCY GOES TO THE BATHROOM AND GETS TED'S BODY)
BERNICE "Well I'm not condoning it, it's just that lately I've come to the decision that what you want is perfectly fine with me as long as your happy."
CLARISE "Well I'm sure that everything's going to be fine. As for the wedding, I'll still have to discuss that with Herbert."
BERNICE "Oh I'm sure Herbert and you will make the right decision and I'm sure you'll be perfectly happy together."
(WALTER ENTERS FROM BEDROOM. CLANCY PANICS AND THROWS TED OUT THE FRONT DOOR)
WALTER "Herbert?... Is there anything wrong?''
HERBERT (HIMSELF) Ahh...No..I just thought I heard something."
WALTER "Oh, well, are we ready mother? Ready to leave these two to their lives together?"
BERNICE (UP) "Yes I guess so"
HERBERT (REALIZING TED'S BODY IS IN THE HALL) "But you can't leave now..."
WALTER "Why not?"
HERBERT "Um ..... Well you haven't seen the apartment yet."
CLARISE "Herbert..."
HERBERT "I mean you two left in such a hurry last night that you might want to see
the place."
WALTER "There's more? I've already seen the bathrooms.."
HERBERT (CLANCY) "But your wife hasn't."
BERNICE "Well alright, I would like to see the place."
HERBERT "You see..(HIMSELF) Umm Clair, why don't you show them the....bedroom.."
CLARISE "But Herbert I don't....."
HERBERT (CLANCY) "Just show them the damn bedroom!"
CLARISE "Alright ... Alright. Come on, I'll show you how we plan to change the room."
(THEY EXIT TO THE BEDROOM. CLANCY OPENS FRONT DOOR AND GETS TED. A MAN WALKS BY AND LOOKS.)
MAN "Anything wrong Mr.Waters?"
HERBERT (CLANCY) "He's an alcoholic damn it!"
(HE SLAMS THE DOOR AND PUTS TED IN THE CLOSET)
CLARISE (ENTERING WITH HER PARENTS) "There's not much to show you that you haven't already seen ... You've seen the kitchen. It's small, but it's all we really need .... There's not to much room in the closet but...."
(HERBERT REACTS TO AUDIENCE AND RACES TO STOP THEM. CLAIR OPENS THE DOOR BUT NO ONE LOOKS IN BECAUSE OF HERBERT'S DISTRACTION)
HERBERT (HIMSELF) "How about a drink?"
CLARISE "What?"
HERBERT "You know...One for the road."
WALTER "Well you know..That sounds fine."
HERBERT "Honey, will fix us all a drink?"
CLARISE "I guess so. If your going to drink yours this time.."
(SHE CLOSES CLOSET DOOR AND HEADS FOR THE KITCHEN)
BERNICE "You see Clair, Herbert's starting to read your father's mind. There going to get along great."
(BERNICE HELPS CLAIR. CLANCY'S BACK. WALTER PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HERB)
WALTER "Herbert, you've got yourself a wonderful women there."
HERBERT (CLANCY) "Wonderful."
WALTER "Now look.... I'm not one to run people's lives but you and Clarise have a prosperous life ahead of you."
HERBERT "Prosperous?"
WALTER "Remember now, It's what you make of it. So... I'd like to say just one word to you. Just one word.... Plastic's..."
HERBERT "Plastic's?"
WALTER "That's right."
HERBERT "Oh, well... I think we got a lot of Tupperware at Clarise's shower...."
(KNOCK AT THE DOOR / CLANCY PUSHES WALTER TO THE COUCH)
HERBERT "Sit..."
(CLANCY ANSWERS THE DOOR / DR. SCHULTZ ENTERS)
DR.SCHULTZ "Mr. Waters could I speak to you...?"
HERBERT (HIMSELF) "Dr.Schultz ...Yes doctor...(CLANCY)..What do you want?"
SCHULTZ "Oh I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt your company."
HERBERT (HIMSELF) "Oh no doctor, it's no problem at all, please. This is my fiancé's father Mr.Zettlemeyer."
SCHULTZ (SHAKING HANDS) "How do you do?"
WALTER "Hello."
HERBERT "His wife.....And you know Clarise."
SCHULTZ "Hello .... Yes Clarise, how are you doing?"
CLARISE "Fine doctor. Is there anything we can help you with?"
SCHULTZ "Yes, well, I've been trying to get in contact with Herbert for quite some time."
HERBERT (CLANCY) "Well we've been busy with the wedding.."
CLARISE "Herbert...."
SCHULTZ "Ach ... Yes, congratulations Mr. and Mrs.Zettlemeyer."
WALTER "Thank you Dr.Schultz. Um, look, we're going to get going. It looks as if the three of you have to talk some things over."
BERNICE "Yes.."
CLARISE "Alright sure. How about if I walk you to your car."
BERNICE "Alright dear. It was nice to make your acquaintance Dr. Schultz."
WALTER "Yes, nice meeting you."
SCHULTZ "Good-by."
CLARISE "I'll be right back honey, (GOES TO CLOSET)..Let me just get my coat."
(CLARISE OPENS THE CLOSET. TED FALLS OUT. SHE SCREAMS)
BERNICE "Oh my dear."
SCHULTZ "Good Lord...."
(THEY RUSH TO CHECK THE BODY. CLANCY TAKES OVER AND PACES THE ROOM)
SCHULTZ "Why, this man is dead. He's been strangled."
WALTER "Well who is it?"
CLARISE "It's Ted Ballermen. Herbert's friend."
HERBERT (CLANCY) "He was no friend of mine..."
CLARISE "Herbert ... What are you saying?"
HERBERT "Will you stop calling me Herbert. My name is Clancy Dewhurst."
CLARISE "What..?"
WALTER "Clancy Dewhurst?"
SCHULTZ "Ah huh, just as I suspected."
HERBERT "Oh, and what was that doctor?"
SCHULTZ "You see, this man is no longer Herbert Waters. The man you love, the man you are to marry. This is now Clancy Dewhurst, alias, 'The Southside Strangler'."
WALTER& BERNICE "What?"
CLARISE "But doctor .... That's my Herbert. I know it."
SCHULTZ "Yes you are right. That is your Herbert. Physically... But mentally that is Clancy Dewhurst."
HERBERT "Watch it.... I'm not mental."
BERNICE "But wasn't the strangler killed?"
CLARISE "The operation, Herbert's hands, that's it isn't it doctor? This has something to do with his hands."
SCHULTZ "Very good my dear, you are quite perspective. For the hands which we replaced Herbert's with belonged to the strangler."
CLARISE "Oh my God. Herbert tried to tell me."
SCHULTZ "I'm very sorry Miss Zettlemeyer, I have made a terrible mistake. I am a shtoop."
HERBERT "Now don't feel that way doctor. In a way, you've
given me my life back. You should be honored."
SCHULTZ "Honored? Of what? Giving re-birth to an evil presence which spreads murder
throughout the city. Splashing his name on the front of every newspaper."
HERBERT "Sooo, you have something against celebrities?"
CLARISE "Oh doctor, how can we get my Herbert back?"
(CLANCY STARTS TO STALK THE OTHERS AROUND THE ROOM. THE OTHERS STICK TOGETHER IN A BUNCH)
HERBERT "There is no way back for that idiot, and there is no way out of here for you people either.(HE LOCKS THE DOOR) You people know too much.You see, I can't let you live anymore..."
SCHULTZ "Oh, hey look, don't worry, we wont tell a soul. (TO THE ZETTLEMEYER'S) Your not going to tell anyone are you?"
BERNICE "No, no, no."
WALTER "Oh no no."
HERBERT "Well I'm afraid I can't take that chance."
CLARISE "Oh, please, please. There must be some other way...."
SCHULTZ "It's gone too far now. I don't think anything will work."
CLARISE "There must be....Herbert... Herbert..It's me Clarise...."
HERBERT "I told you Herbert isn't here any more."
CLARISE "He is, I know it. Herbert, It's me your pookims.."
HERBERT "You know lady...I'm getting pretty sick of that pookims crap.."
WALTER "Now Herbert, stop this right now. This is your father-in-law talking."
HERBERT "Grrrrrrrrr."
CLARISE "Oh Herbert, Herbert please...I love you"
HERBERT (STOPS IN HIS TRACKS) "Clarise? (HERBERT FIGHTING TO GET OUT) Clarise, is that you?"
CLARISE "Yes, Yes Herbert. Herbert it's me."
SCHULTZ "Oh my God, It's working."
HERBERT (HIMSELF) "....Clarise....Clarise... I love you...Help me.."
CLARISE "Oh Herbert..."
SCHULTZ "Look, it's working.....The power of love.."
WALTER & BERNICE "Awwwwwwwww."
(HERBERT PUNCHES HIMSELF IN THE FACE)
HERBERT (CLANCY) "Shut up you creep."
CLARISE "Oh my God, Herbert.."
HERBERT "Stop calling me that! My name is Dewhurst!!"
(CLANCY REACHES TO GRAB HER BUT STOPS. HE TRIES AGAIN BUT HE JUST CAN'T FIGHT OFF HERBERT. HIS LEFT ARM IS REACHING, SHAKING, UNABLE TO MOVE. HIS RIGHT HAND GRABS HIS LEFT AND PULLS IT AWAY)
HERBERT (HIMSELF) "Clarise.... It's me .... Herbert. I'll protect you."
CLARISE "Herbert?"
HERBERT (CLANCY) "You jerk..Stay out of this!"
(CLANCY PUNCHES HIMSELF IN THE STOMACH AND KEELS OVER IN PAIN. ANOTHER SOCK UPWARDS MAKES HIM FLY BACK)
WALTER "Doctor ... What's happening?"
SCHULTZ "Why.....This is amazing...It seems the two of them, Herbert and Clancy, are fighting each other."
HERBERT (CLANCY) "Why don't you stay out of this and mind your own business..!!(HERBERT) Not on your life. This is my business."
(HERBERT GRABS HIS BACK COLLAR AND PULLS HIMSELF BACK, OVER TO THE FLOOR)
HERBERT (CLANCY) "Owwww! You bastard!"
(THE BATTLE CONTINUES ON THE FLOOR)
CLARISE "Herbert, oh Herbert.."
WALTER "Come on Herbert, hit him where it counts."
SCHULTZ "Hit him..Hit him.!"
BERNICE "Kick him in the nuts!"
(THEY LOOK TO BERNICE WHO SMILES BACK. HERBERT SLOWLY RISES AND LOOKS TO THEM)
CLARISE "Herbert? Herbert is that you?"
HERBERT (CLANCY) "No....Wrong answer!"
(CLANCY LAUGHS AND GOES AFTER CLARISE)
CLARISE "No .... Please wait."
(CLARISE BUMPS INTO HERBERT'S OBOE. SHE PICKS IT UP)
CLARISE "Wait...Look... Herbert it's your oboe!"
(CLANCY GRABS IT TO THROW BUT STOPS, LOOKING AT IT)
CLARISE "Yes. Remember your oboe? Why don't you play your clarinet. (TO THE OTHERS) He loves to play his oboe."
HERBERT (HIMSELF) "My oboe.... It's my oboe.... I love my oboe."
(HE RAISES IT TO START TO PLAY, STOPS, AND SMASHES IT AGAINST THE WALL)
HERBERT (CLANCY) "I hate the oboe. Now, prepare to die."
(CLANCY REACHES FOR CLARISE BUT HERBERT RETURNS)
HERBERT (HIMSELF) "You broke my oboe you son of a bitch."
(HERBERT STARTS TO POUND ON CLANCY. PUNCHING HIMSELF. THROWING HIMSELF AROUND THE ROOM. HERBERT GRABS HIS HAIR AND PULLS HIMSELF TO A WALL, POUNDING HIS HEAD ON IT. CLANCY FIGHTS BACK BUT HERBERT BLOCKS HIS PUNCHES. HERBERT PUTS CLANCY IN A HEAD LOCK)
HERBERT (HIMSELF) "Do you give up..?(CLANCY) Not a chance you twerp."
(HERBERT SWINGS CLANCY AROUND THE ROOM. HE GOES TO THE CLOSET DOOR. GRABBING HIS HAIR WITH ONE HAND AND WITH THE OTHER PROCEEDS TO OPEN AND CLOSE THE DOOR INTO HIS OWN HEAD)
HERBERT (HIMSELF) "Take that....and that..and that."
(HERBERT THEN PROCEEDS TO THE KITCHEN AREA AND TO 'THE AMAZEMENT OF ALL' STARTS TO BREAK DISHES AND BOTTLES OVER HIS HEAD. HIS STRENGTH WEARS OUT AND HE COLLAPSES TO HIS KNEES. HE SLOWLY CRAWLS HIS WAY TOWARDS CLARISE REACHING)
HERBERT (HIMSELF) "Clarise...."
CLARISE "Herbert..?"
HERBERT "Clarise...I..."
CLARISE "Oh yes my darling?"
HERBERT "I love the oboe....Help me."
(HERBERT COLLAPSES AT CLARISE'S FEET)
( - BLACKOUT - )
(THREE KNOCKS OF A JUDGES GAVEL ARE HEARD)
JUDGE'S VOICE "Alright order..Order...What a truly amazing story. A story on which you the Jury must carefully think through. Is this man, Herbert Waters, guilty of the murders of six men and women..(CLEARS HIS THROAT)..and one dog. The murders on which he is accused..Or, Is he simply a victim of malpractice as so stated. Can he be excused of such, behavior. The act of murder. Can he be cured, and if so, what can this man be cured of? Insanity? Indeed, there is quite a lot for this Jury to decide. It is now in your hands."
(A LIGHT SHINES FROM ABOVE AS WE SEE HERBERT AND CLARISE AT AN ALTER. THEY'RE BACKS ARE TOO US. HERBERT IN SUIT, CLARISE IN WHITE GOWN)
VOICE "Do you Clarise, take thee Herbert for your husband, till death do you part?"
CLARISE "I do."
VOICE "Do you Herbert, take thee Clarise for your wife, till death do you part?"
HERBERT "I do."
(THEY TURN TO FACE EACH OTHER AND WE SEE THAT HERBERT'S HANDS HAVE BEEN REPLACED BY CLAW HOOKS. CLARISE PLACES ONE RING ON HER OWN HAND AND PUTS THE OTHER, WHICH IS ON A CHAIN, AROUND HERBERT'S NECK)
VOICE "Then by the power invested in me I now pronounce you husband and wife."
(HERBERT AND CLARISE PLACE THEY'RE ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER AND KISS)
CLAIRISE "Oh Herbert, I love you."
HERBERT "And I Clarise...(CLANCY RETURNS)...Love you!"
(HERBERT RAISES HIS HOOK HANDS AND QUICKLY THRUSTS THEN DOWN ONTO CLARISE WHO SCREAMS)
(BLACKOUT)
(CLANCY LAUGHS)
THE END
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Copyright ©1999 Roger B. Domian